Me

I’ve talked a lot about my struggles with anxiety and being overweight – but I haven’t really shared a lot about who I am.

First – I have four kids! One step son and three of my own. Ranging in ages 3 to 18! They are my life! They are the reason I am determined to be the best me!

My step son lives in another state but my crazy babies are with me everyday! I wasn’t a teen mom or anything but my boyfriend and I had only been dating for 3 months when we found out I was pregnant with my first baby! We had actually decided to end our relationship because he needed to be closer to his son. So he was already living there when I found out I was pregnant! Talk about an emotional roller coaster!

So at 2 months pregnant I left my family and moved to start a family with him! We moved back to my hometown when our baby girl was just 3 months old, for various reasons I will explain later. A year later we would be preparing for another baby girl born just two years after our first. Talk about issues! Two babies in three years! We were still getting to know each other and accept each others faults! Which was not easy! Although we split up for 6 months and hated each other for a long time – we welcomed our third child together in May of 2015. 5 years after our second. A boy.

He forever changed us. We are now happier and stronger than ever! It took us 12 years to get here but it was worth the fight! Much like my journey of self love and acceptance! I never realized how strong I could truly be! I’m the over empathetic girl who cries at everything and truly feels other people’s pain instantly so my own is much more intense than for most! How could I ever be strong enough to fight the haters, myself included and come out on top without falling apart in the process!! But if I don’t try I will always wonder what if!

It’s never too late to accomplish your dreams! Even if they seem unreachable —

As a child I wanted to be animator.  I may not be an animator but I am an artist.  I have always wanted to share my art with the world.  But again – that self doubt – has never allowed me to until now.

As a teenager I wanted to be a plus-size model, even before it was a thing!  I have been plus-size my entire life.  My smallest was my sophomore year of high school when I weighed 160 lbs. and wore a size 12. I am now a size 18/20.  Needless to say my self-perception never allowed me the courage to pursue any modeling career.

My favorite subject in grade school, even in college was English.  I am a writer. I have always wanted to start a blog, but I am also a procrastinator – combine that with my anxiety and that is why it has taken me this long to get here.

I am also a Registered Dental Hygienist trying to find a career outside of clinical hygiene.  As the last few years have been really hard on my body.

I am incredibly afraid of change.  I struggle immensely with it in fact. Its the only reason, besides financial reasons that I am still a Hygienist.  Don’t get me wrong, I love my job, but after only 5 years, I am already exhausted and I don’t want to lose my hands to this profession and not be able to create art which is my passion.

I didn’t think an art career was ever an option for me because of my introverted personality.  I had always been a pencil artist and drawn women that I wished I looked like.  This was often disheartening for an anxiety-ridden plus-size girl like myself. Social media was not a thing when I was thinking about careers, and my art was put on the back burner for many years.

As a child I wrote poetry and had several amazing English teachers.  But a plagiarism scandal in high school changed things for me.  Overwhelmed with school, work and drama with a boyfriend, like many others in my high school, I chose to find a paper from the internet and submit it in my portfolio.  Needless to say, 1/2 the senior class wound up in a heap of trouble.  A lot of people changed their opinions about me as a writer and as a person.  But that wasn’t me or who I was or am.  I made a mistake.  A very large one.  All I could do was move on and never make another mistake like that again.  It affected me for many years, and until I went to college at age 26, I didn’t write anything. In fact, this is the first time I have spoke of it since it happened.  It feels good to let it out.

Our mistakes, and how we handle them – make us who we are.  I have made many bad decisions in my life, and I have many regrets – which I have resented myself for, for a very long time.  Its time for that to stop.  I am not the same person I once was.  I am the absolute best version of myself right now.  I may not be the best mother, and I definitely have mental health issues, but I refuse to be stopped for any of my faults.  The past is the past and I am ready to let it all go.

Everything has always stopped me.  Stopped me from believing in myself.  Stopped me from being happy.  Nothing will stop me now.  I don’t care if I am the only person that ever sees these posts.  At least I followed my heart and decided to live happily.  This is my therapy.  So even if it doesn’t help someone else, it helps me.  And I need it.

As I said in my last post, I am going to start being proud of my body!  So here it is – pretty much all of me! A picture I never thought I would be able to share with the world and be ok about it!