Today I had a melt down. It’s hard for me to deal with making anyone upset – aside from my boyfriend of 12 years and my children of course. My anxiety wreaks havoc when I feel as though I have upset someone in any way. Maybe the way I said something to them or if they had to do something for me that was unexpected. I literally won’t stop thinking about it until I talk to them. It’s so bad that anytime I ask anyone for a favor I immediately feel bad and say never mind because I shouldn’t have asked. I don’t understand why my mind has to work this way.

It makes me feel so overwhelmed. I had a super busy day at work, which made the day go by quickly. Then when I get home boom I’m a mess. One text from my mother sent me on a downward spiral of self hate. There is usually a spike in this behavior for about a week out of every month. I am sure it is related to hormones and my cycle but I am an emotional mess. My birthday is next weekend and I feel like I’m running out of time to chase my dreams. See how one thought provokes another – and I find all of my faults and loathe in self-pity.

I have mostly good days – but sometimes they are overshadowed by the bad. Throw some mom guilt in the mix and we are in for a doozy! Most of the time I feel like I have pretty good control of my anxiety. I don’t have a lot of days like today where I let it get the best of me. It sucks living with it all the time but I am slowly learning to accept some of my faults as who I am – which really helps to cope. My faults and self-doubt are the number one trigger of my anxiety episodes.

Most of my adult life I was the girl who thought everyone was talking about her – in a negative way. If I walked into a room and someone stopped talking, I instantly assumed it was about me negatively. When someone corrected me or reminded me to do something – I instantly thought they thought I was stupid and not a good student/friend/co-worker, etc. I had absolutely no confidence. About 5 years ago, various life circumstances really brought things into perspective for me. Enough to make me really start trying to cope much more positively with this disease. I needed to change.

Even though, here we are 5 years later and I am far from where I had hoped to be – I have come a long way! I am not that girl anymore. I have confidence. I don’t look at everything about myself pessimistically. Yes it is still a struggle but I am giving it my all to look at life differently and appreciate my strengths! Hell I posted a picture of myself in a swimsuit on instagram!!! It may not be a full body shot, but believe me when I say it was monumental for me psychologically!

I was so scared to post it. It shows the cellulite on my butt and its imperfect shape. It shows the part of my body I have always hidden because of shame. It shows the body I have verbally abused my entire life. It is far from perfect and definitely not everyone’s cup of tea – but it’s not that bad! I can live with it without hating myself for it! In fact, I can be proud of it! I am my own worst enemy. I always have been.

One of the hardest parts of having anxiety is knowing that logically your feelings don’t make sense and are irrational – but not being able to stop them. Life is too short to not love yourself for who you are. Even if you grow up thinking who you are will never be good enough. It is possible to love yourself for all that you are. I am not there yet. But I will be.

Day two of my self-love journey and so far so good! My daughter and I had a little mini photo shoot where she was my photographer. She has so much personality, she really played the part well! When my anxiety started to get the best of me, I reminded myself why I am doing this and why I AM beautiful! There was a neighbor out mowing his yard – my first reaction was to turn around and go back inside because I couldn’t model in front of him! As I looked up, my daughter was looking at me strangely – she just watched me spend 30 minutes fixing my hair for our little shoot.  I couldn’t do that to myself or her! So I strutted out there and we modeled all over our little deck! He definitely saw us – but that’s OK!!!! Small steps! And those small steps are hard ones!

After looking at all of the photos I had several that I loved – I might have me a future photographer on my hands – but the majority I did not. So I picked my favorites and played around with some edits. Then I told myself to choose one that I didn’t care for and edit it. So I posted a few to my Instagram. I’m saving my least favorite for my blog post tonight. It’s not incredibly bad but it highlights many of my flaws. I pick it apart of course, as it’s not from the most flattering angle. But I feel like I owe myself this one. It may not mean anything to anyone else but I have only ever posted flattering photographs of myself on social media. I literally take a hundred selfies only to find one pic from the perfect angle to post and share with the world. I am sure this is truth for a lot of people. Why?! Why do we do this to ourselves!?

I am that friend or family member that doesn’t want to be in any of the photos. If by chance I am in one, I have to approve it before it can be seen by anyone else let alone posted on social media; and I want to be a plus model – go figure! But I don’t want to be that girl!
I was in a friend’s wedding a few years ago and she asked me to wear a sleeveless bridesmaids gown. I was very hesitant – but again I am a people pleaser – so I obliged, even though I haven’t shown my arms in 20 + years! It was very hard for me to exist in front of her family and friends for several hours with my arms exposed. It consumed me. I couldn’t have a good time because of it.

Her matron of honor had to step down, so I took her place just a few months before the wedding. I had to give a speech in front of a hundred or more people in a sleeveless dress!! Talk about mortified! The anxiety this gave me was indescribable! I made myself sick stressing over it. I met her in college so she lives over an hour away and we don’t have many of the same friends – that was really the only thing that got me through the day. I didn’t really know anybody there that could judge me after this was all over. Even if they were judging me negatively it would only be for one night. Well – at least until she would post all of the wedding photos online. I waited in anticipation and when she tagged me in all of the photos on Facebook, I had to go through and untag myself from all of them so my friends couldn’t see them. I think this hurt her feelings but she doesn’t understand the complexity of that situation for me.

That situation literally ate me alive! I tossed and turned at night wondering if I missed one or didn’t untag myself soon enough for some of them to still show up on my timeline. Crazy right? I wish I had told her just how horrifying it was for me to do this for her and maybe she would have allowed me to wear a shawl or something. But I didn’t want to upset her. I’ve even declined to be in a friend’s wedding because she chose short bridesmaid dresses.

That is the severity of this for me and many out there fighting the stigma of being fat while battling anxiety. I only hope that this will get easier for me as I continue to follow my dreams and face my fears! One of these days I am gonna be the girl who wants to be in all of the photos! I am gonna be the girl that posts photos on social media of herself in the proper attire for the proper season! I believe in me! I believe in you! If there is anyone out there struggling like me – feel free to reach out! I have been an introvert and loner most of my life! I have felt like I was the only one like me out there but I know that isn’t the case! I hope sharing my story and my inspirations may help encourage someone else to do the same! Body positivity is a necessity for everyone! Love yourself the way you are! Don’t just tell yourself to believe it, live it!

Here’s the photo: